the · trick · is · to · keep · breathing.

Today, I initiated the process of withdrawing from my course at university.

( For those of you who don't follow me on Twitter or are otherwise confused, let me explain how/why this is happening and what I intend to do next... )


In other news...



I can't remember if I told you guys or not, but we have a cat now! Her name is Sylvanas (or Sylv or Sylvie), and she is mental and lovely. We've had her about 7 weeks now. Did I blog about it? I should have done, but perhaps I didn't. Hmm. Anyway, cat! Yes.

Also, I am not sure how many PC gamers I have on my flist, but anyone who is around and uses Steam, feel free to add me to friends. I am trying to get into playing some different PC games - so far I have Dragon Age: Origins and Magicka, the latter being hilarious for multiplayer exploding wizards.

 I have been feeling unbelievably, gutwrenchingly lonely of late. I've been stuck in this hellish CFS relapse since mid-October and whilst it's better than it was, it's not exactly good.  I still can't leave the flat much by myself, or at all. In times like this, I have far too much time to myself to think and to dwell and to overanalyse everything.

I went home for a few days a few weeks ago because I hadn't seen anyone other than Gareth for weeks, unless you count the doctor (which I don't). Anyone who knows me even a little bit should be aware that - as cynical and bitchy and horrible about people in general as I can be sometimes - I really need human contact. I haven't seen anyone since that trip home, nor have I really heard from anyone. I am beginning to feel like I don't have any friends at all.

This is always what happens, really. As much as I try, I don't make very many friends; not getting out much means that I don't meet many people, and the fact that I don't get along with people very easily means that I make very few friends out of the handful of people I ever meet. I am not a social butterfly. I don't really mind not having many friends - I've always been that way, even before I was ill, and I don't pretend that it's particularly due to the illness that I don't have many friends. The thing that I have trouble with since I've been ill is keeping the friends that I do have.

I try to keep up with people's lives, but they move so much faster than I can. I can't keep up. Sometimes people will text and ask where I've been or what I've been up to or what's new with me. Nothing. Nothing is new, and I haven't been anywhere. People don't want to hear that, so they stop asking. If my life moved any slower it would be going backwards, and sometimes I do wonder if that's not the case anyway. I spend each day between my bed and my computer. A wonder of the digital age should be that you can keep in contact whenever you want. Unfortunately, it doesn't work like that. The fact that someone is always just a text or email away should you require them just means that you can tell yourself that you'll contact them "later". "Tomorrow". And the fact that people are always on the other end of some kind of digital device means that no one has to bother to pop round and see you to know what's going on with you.

Ultimately, I can text or email or tweet at people if I want to. But I'm getting to the point now where I don't see the point. Why would anyone bother to reply to me anyway? I don't have anything fucking interesting to say. I have no stories about places I've been and people I've seen lately. It's just me and the cat. 

I apologise for the whinge, but I'm unsure how many people will read this far anyway. I am desperately unhappy and the world is completely oblivious to my pain. Yes, that's how emo I feel right now. It has been this way for weeks.

I have counselling on Monday. Even if they can fix my brain, it's probably already too late. What's the point of being happy and functional if no one ever sees?

I would like a sign with this printed on that I could hold up on my depressed days (of which there are many lately):

kthx.